It'll make ya or break ya.

Yesterday the Eric & Jack Wells award was presented to CreComm students at Red River College. One of the guests was Olympic gold medalist, Jill Officer, who made an important point about online bullying. Instead of writing about food, I decided to write a candid article about the topic mentioned. When writing about food, I don't get the chance to express many personal feelings, and this is something I have a first-hand experience with.

Social media ruined me.

I was out with a dear friend for lunch one day, an old co-worker who I hadn’t seen in almost a year. We laughed; we exchanged stories and caught up.

I heard my phone vibrate, although I was too busy having fun to answer it. I heard it vibrate again, and one-minute later, again.

Intuition told me that something wasn’t right. I dug through my purse and almost dropped my phone in anticipation of what the message could be.

“Court, god damnit did you see online yet???” the text read.

I had another four voicemails that I suspected were along the same lines.

My heart stopped. Everything around me went still. I felt like I was having one of those out-of-body experiences, where the noise seems to fade and your left trying to put information together, all while your heart struggles to kick-start and catch up with your brain.

I excused myself to the washroom, where I broke down upon seeing the horrible things that were posted about me. I never thought it was possible that at 27 years of age, I would have been verbally abused and publicly bullied.

A week prior, I was helping a friend cope with a similar experience.

“I don’t know what I would do if it happened, I wouldn’t know how to handle it,” I tried to help, but I knew I wouldn't know what to do if it were myself.

I’ve seen it ruin lives. I’ve seen it make people pack up their Facebook and disappear for years, leaving any trace of their existence to be questioned. I’ve seen people hide out as if it was their fault.

I don’t remember paying for my bill as I rushed out of the restaurant to avoid breaking down in front of everyone to see – hadn’t I been in the ‘spotlight’ enough already?

I’m not sure if I’ll ever forget my reaction, as I sat in the drivers side of my vehicle, black mascara-clad tears pouring down my cheeks.

I took a moment to read what was said about me. Lies about my current relationship, about my character, my personality, my hygiene. I hugged myself instinctively to brace myself, and then came the pain.

The pain hasn’t left yet. I remember that day so well because I haven’t been able to shake off the hurt that snuck into my life the day that I was posted online.

First came the embarrassment­ – what if my parents see? Are they going to be ashamed of me? Will this affect my future career? Will people think it’s true?

I don’t know why, but the fact that people might believe what was said was enough to send me into shambles. Why did I care so much?

My relationship suffered due to the allegations. Eventually, the allegations were discarded, even though it secretly hurt that my boyfriend had to question it. I try to think about the alternative, if it was him who was put out on the stake to burn, and if the awful things that were said were about him – I have to admit that I would probably question him too.

I don’t know why, but I instantly thought of David Milgard. I had been to a seminar earlier in the year where he spoke about his wrongful conviction, and how no one believed him. Even though this wasn’t a murder case, I truly sympathized with him, for how do you prove innocence?

Comments were posted from anonymous people, people who were too afraid to voice their opinions out loud. Comments were posted from strangers, joining in on making fun of me. Each day, I woke up and opened my computer to check the new comments, crying silently in my pillow, wondering what I did to make people hate me so much.

My days are usually spent with my boyfriend and our dogs, I rarely went out anymore as I valued my seemingly ‘boring’ life watching Netflix on weekends. Sure, everyone indulges in a little fun when they are young, but I’m not young anymore, and I’m pursuing my education, something I've always dreamt of doing - which was also slammed.

“Don’t let them get to you!” my friends would rally behind me and offer words of support. I smiled and told them I wasn’t bothered. I had to turn away a few times because my eyes welled up with tears as I wondered if it could be them who posted it. I was paranoid about who did it, and I was obsessessed with finding out who it was.

There was anger; there was disgust, more embarrassment, and pity.

Social media ALMOST ruined me.

Ironically, it's what I do for a living. For the last year, I have been studying Creative Communications at Red River, and a large part of my curriculum requires me to be present on social media.

I think it’s time to credit myself for the person I know I am, and not what somebody said online, out of spite and hate. I know I love animals, and movies and my family. I know it took me awhile to go back to school and pursue my education, but I did it, and I’m damn proud.

I’ve owned two houses prior to live with my parents, and trust me; it’s not easy to move back in! Mommy and daddy didn’t pay for my schooling, but they let me move back in for a very low price while I worked towards my degree and diploma. I’m going out on a limb and admitting that my mom lets me eat for free, with the promise that I will cook her dinners when I move into my own house again.

I would like to think that no parent would refuse to help their child when it comes to education. And regardless, who cares?

Eventually, I know I will come to terms with that statement, and I hope one-day people will realize how bad it is that our society allows public shaming. But for now, I can be vocal and sympathize with online bullying and how it can affect someone’s life, self-esteem or will to live.